Learning Peace

I don’t believe it.

Those are words that have come to my mind often in the past few months. Words of denial, of excitement, of anger, of a hope for something greater.

“Your dad lost his job.” I don’t believe it…

“Your sister is moving to Africa.” I don’t believe it…

“Your aunt is having a baby!” I don’t believe it…

“The plan fell through, your family still has no home.” I don’t believe it…

“Someone is spreading nasty rumors about your close friend.” I don’t believe it…

“You got a scholarship!” I don’t believe it…

Sometimes, I am just afraid that it isn’t true. The good news will disappear and I’ll be left with a broken heart. Or at least very disappointed.

Other times, I want to change it. Maybe if I just refuse to admit that it’s true, it will change. The rumors will go away, the job will come back, the plan will work out and my family will have a home again after all.

I want my reality. Where everything looks nice and feels good and nothing is broken or disappointing or sad.

But my reality is not what is real. I can’t control everything. There are many things I cannot change. And quite frankly, that would just be too much responsibility. The weight of carrying my world would crush me. Trying to catch a thousand strings flying in a million directions would tear me apart.

So I’m learning to let go.

I haven’t mastered it yet. It is a journey that I’m learning to walk out. And I’ve gotten way better at it than I used to be. But really, I haven’t done much. I’ve just done a whole lot of falling on Jesus.

That’s right, falling.

It doesn’t feel very good at first. Usually because I wait to do it until nothing else is working.

When I’m being crushed by the world I decided to carry.

When I’m being torn up by all the puppet strings.

He comes in and takes the burden, untangles me, puts me back together. He shows me where he’s had it all under control the whole time. He heals and comforts. He brings peace.

Peace.

That’s really a great thing. Because often, the circumstances don’t really change. The problems take just as long as ever to work out. But it’s okay. I’m okay. I don’t have to take care of it all. I don’t have to worry about it all. Jesus is doing that.

He knows what I need.

He knows what I want.

He knows what is best.

And he is good.

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

- John 14:27