The Dream-Kite

They told me to dream, so I did.

"Dream BIG! Dream BOLD!"

"Okay, I will."

It was fun!

It was exciting!

It was mine.


I took it and ran with it. But, like flying a kite on a windless day, something felt wrong. I was running full speed ahead, holding tightly to the string with my dream at the end of it. There it was! Up in the air! Why was I so exhausted?

"Lord, I surrender my dream to you!" That should do the trick. Now I won't be so tired because I surrendered to God. And on I ran.  

"Okay, God, I surrendered. Why does it feel like something is still wrong? Oh, I know! The Devil must be attacking me! Lord, please protect me." That's it, this must be the enemy of my soul trying to thwart God's plan! And I kept on running.

Now, here I am, nearing the end of my third semester of Bible college. I am worn out and overwhelmed. I am going going going all the time, and I think my destination may just be in the other direction.

"Silly girl," you may be saying, "sometimes life is just hard. Sometimes reaching goals and fulfilling dreams means making effort and getting tired." Yes. I realize that. That isn't what I am talking about.

What I am talking about is being soul-weary because I am fighting for something I should let go of.

What I am talking about is fighting God's plan instead of fighting for God's plan.

What I am talking about is that I have a plan, and God has a plan, and I told God that my plan was his plan and called it surrender.

The parable of the Prodigal Son in Luke 15 comes to mind. The young man asks his father to give him the money that he would receive when his father dies. The father gives the son the money and he goes off and spends it all. When the son has reached his lowest possible point, he runs home to his father.

What stands out to me here is that the son does not say, "Father, why did you give me that money? How could you let me spend it all? You are far wiser than I, why did you not tell me not to do this?" The son simply goes back to his father and admits his own guilt. And the father accepts him right back into the family.

It is so easy for me to say, "God, why did you let me get off track? Why did you allow me to follow my plans instead of yours?" Because, to be honest, I think that a lot of the Lord directing my life goes something along the lines of:
            Me: "Lord, can I do this thing? I really want to do this thing. I know it doesn't really fit with
            what you've called me to, but I really want to do it."
            God: "Okay"
            Me: "Really? Cool!" (...a few months later...) "God, what am I doing?! I'm spent! Show me                 your plan! ... Ooh, can this other cool thing be your plan?"
            God: "Remember what happened last time?"
            Me: "Please?"
            God: "Okay."
And here I am today. Running back to Jesus. And I've known this whole time that his plan looked different than all these other things. But I really wanted to fly my kite.

I think it's kind of cool that he let me "fly my kite." Because I probably would spend forever wondering "what if," otherwise. But then I run back to him, exhausted, and he says "Welcome back! Now lets fly my kite, and lets do it together."

Blueberry Pancakes

Today I discovered the key to the best blueberry pancakes that I have ever had.

I absolutely love blueberries. Now, this love is a pretty recent development. As a kid, I hated bluberries. I thought they were all either mushy as a bad banana or otherwise unbearably sour. In other words: just plain nasty.
While spending the past summer in Oregon, I had a encounter with the berry that forever changed my view of her. My friend went berry picking. I decided to try some. After all, it had been years, and poor, neglected Blue deserved a second chance.
I grabbed a handful - I was going all in - and shoved them in my mouth. They were amazing! Firm, sweet - with just a little kick of tartness - bursting with the very essence of blue. My world was changed.

Blueberry pancakes are classic. The collision of two wonderful foods, however, has often been closer to a fender-bender than to fireworks. Whole, fresh blueberries often create mushy pancakes. The fake stuff... should not be trying to steal the glory from dear Blue.

My solution: Chop the blueberries!!!

These are, as dear Sandra Lee would say, "semi-homemade," but still quite fabulous.


Blueberry Pancakes With Lemon Glaze

(For one)

Pancakes:
1/4 cup fresh blueberries
1/2 cup Krusteaz buttermilk pancake mix
1/3 cup water

Glaze:
2 tbsp butter
1 tsp lemon juice
1/4 cup powdered sugar

• Wash and chop blueberries
• In a bowl, mix the berries into pancake mix until well coated
• Slowly mix in water
• Cook pancakes according to package instructions, or as preferred

• Melt butter
• Pour butter into powdered sugar, mix well
• Stir in lemon juice

• Pour glaze over pancakes

• Enjoy!

Some Thoughts on Love

Sometimes, I talk to myself. Okay, I do it a lot. To be honest, that's where a lot of what I write comes from - conversations with myself inside of my head. That's pretty normal... Right? Haha.

Well, anyway...

I have been thinking quite a bit about relationships, singleness, and such lately. A large part of the reason for this is the exponential increase in the number of my friends who are beginning to date/marry. It can be hard at times to still be single (I know I am only 18, but my life plan involved being in a serious relationship by now. Who knew the plans you make when you're 10 don't turn out how you wanted... Haha) but I'm also very thankful for where I am at in life right now. 

Anyhow, I ended up giving myself a decently long speech (all in my head, of course) about what I want my heart and relationships to look like and how to get there. 

I thought I would share it with you:

Keep reminding yourself, darling.
Your heart is worthy of love.
Don’t throw yourself at the first man who seems to notice.
But of course, that does not mean to take no action at all.
Work on becoming.
Rather than waiting for someone to find you worthy, realize that everyone is.
Everyone is worthy of love.
Let it be your goal to show them that.
What can you change?
How does one become more lovable?
First realize that you are loved by the one who is love.
He created love.
Love is who he is and what he does.
You can in no way make yourself more worthy.
But you can draw near to him.
Let him change you.
It is a beautiful process.
To be held by the hands that are themselves love.
You cannot help but let it seep into you.
Like a gentle, old grandfather carving wood.
He sees what it is meant to be.
Then he whittles, sands, and rubs it until it is smooth and soft.
The one who is love transforms and heals.
He knows what you are meant to be and what keeps you from becoming.
He does not change who you are, as the carver does not change wood to clay.
He transforms, so that the beauty that is inside can be seen by all.
So let your focus be on becoming.
Don’t worry, many will see it.
But let the one who wins that beautiful heart be good.
Let him be only one who will let the heart stay in the hands of the one who is love.

Learning Peace

I don’t believe it.

Those are words that have come to my mind often in the past few months. Words of denial, of excitement, of anger, of a hope for something greater.

“Your dad lost his job.” I don’t believe it…

“Your sister is moving to Africa.” I don’t believe it…

“Your aunt is having a baby!” I don’t believe it…

“The plan fell through, your family still has no home.” I don’t believe it…

“Someone is spreading nasty rumors about your close friend.” I don’t believe it…

“You got a scholarship!” I don’t believe it…

Sometimes, I am just afraid that it isn’t true. The good news will disappear and I’ll be left with a broken heart. Or at least very disappointed.

Other times, I want to change it. Maybe if I just refuse to admit that it’s true, it will change. The rumors will go away, the job will come back, the plan will work out and my family will have a home again after all.

I want my reality. Where everything looks nice and feels good and nothing is broken or disappointing or sad.

But my reality is not what is real. I can’t control everything. There are many things I cannot change. And quite frankly, that would just be too much responsibility. The weight of carrying my world would crush me. Trying to catch a thousand strings flying in a million directions would tear me apart.

So I’m learning to let go.

I haven’t mastered it yet. It is a journey that I’m learning to walk out. And I’ve gotten way better at it than I used to be. But really, I haven’t done much. I’ve just done a whole lot of falling on Jesus.

That’s right, falling.

It doesn’t feel very good at first. Usually because I wait to do it until nothing else is working.

When I’m being crushed by the world I decided to carry.

When I’m being torn up by all the puppet strings.

He comes in and takes the burden, untangles me, puts me back together. He shows me where he’s had it all under control the whole time. He heals and comforts. He brings peace.

Peace.

That’s really a great thing. Because often, the circumstances don’t really change. The problems take just as long as ever to work out. But it’s okay. I’m okay. I don’t have to take care of it all. I don’t have to worry about it all. Jesus is doing that.

He knows what I need.

He knows what I want.

He knows what is best.

And he is good.

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

- John 14:27

Love and Trust

I don't like talking about myself.

Well... That's not entirely true. I like talking about myself, as long as it doesn't get personal. Since that is pretty difficult, I'll stick with: I don't like talking about myself.

You see, I don't like being vulnerable. When someone knows something about me, whether it's my favorite color or my greatest struggle, I get scared. It is as if, through knowing something about me, that person has the power to hurt me.

Trust.

What is that? It is an action, I believe. It gets harder to do every time I get hurt. But if I don't do it, I'll never know if a person can live up to that trust. (Of  course some people quite obviously should not be trusted. I'm generalizing here.)

Love.

Being fully known. That's a pretty unsettling thought to me. But what about being fully loved? That sounds wonderful. Is there not, though, a connection here? To love someone, you have to first know something about them. Something like, I don't know, maybe that they exist? That sounds like a good start to me. If you don't even know that a person exists, how can you love them?

Once you know that a person exists, now you get to start loving them. Personally, I believe that every person is made in the image of a loving God, and is therefore worthy of love, just because they exist. That is a nice idea, but can be much harder on an individual level. When I start loving a person, (I should mention, in case you are unsure, that I am talking about love in general, not romantic love. Seeing as I have almost no experience in the romance department, I will not be posting about the topic until further notice.) I want to get to know more about them. I can't really explain why, but as I get to know a person better, I tend to love them more, and vice-versa.

Then it gets back to me. It's nice to be loved, as well as loving. When thinking of love as a gift, and trust as the acceptance of that gift, I realize that it is difficult to allow myself to be loved if I do not trust the one who is loving me. When I think of how I want to know more about the people I love, what they love, what makes them laugh, what burdens their hearts, I realize something. When I do not trust a person to know who I am, I am rejecting their love of who I am.

Since writing this post a couple of months ago, I completely forgot about it. But I did start to trust more. I opened up to relationships. I met a guy, and started to date him. It didn't work out, but I think taking the risk was worth it. And it's true, the more I liked him, the more I wanted to know about him. That's the interesting part about the romantic side, even though it didn't quite end up developing in that direction, I do care a lot more about him as a person now that I know more about him.