I don’t
believe it.
Those are
words that have come to my mind often in the past few months. Words of denial,
of excitement, of anger, of a hope for something greater.
“Your dad lost
his job.” I don’t believe it…
“Your sister
is moving to Africa.” I don’t believe it…
“Your aunt is
having a baby!” I don’t believe it…
“The plan fell
through, your family still has no home.” I
don’t believe it…
“Someone is
spreading nasty rumors about your close friend.” I don’t believe it…
“You got a
scholarship!” I don’t believe it…
Sometimes, I
am just afraid that it isn’t true.
The good news will disappear and I’ll be left with a broken heart. Or at least
very disappointed.
Other times, I
want to change it. Maybe if I just refuse to admit that it’s true, it will
change. The rumors will go away, the job will come back, the plan will work out
and my family will have a home again after all.
I want my
reality. Where everything looks nice and feels good and nothing is broken or
disappointing or sad.
But my reality
is not what is real. I can’t control everything. There are many things I cannot
change. And quite frankly, that would just be too much responsibility. The weight
of carrying my world would crush me. Trying to catch a thousand strings flying
in a million directions would tear me apart.
So I’m
learning to let go.
I haven’t mastered
it yet. It is a journey that I’m learning to walk out. And I’ve gotten way better
at it than I used to be. But really, I haven’t done much. I’ve just done a
whole lot of falling on Jesus.
That’s right,
falling.
It doesn’t
feel very good at first. Usually because I wait to do it until nothing else is
working.
When I’m being
crushed by the world I decided to carry.
When I’m being
torn up by all the puppet strings.
He comes in
and takes the burden, untangles me, puts me back together. He shows me where he’s
had it all under control the whole time. He heals and comforts. He brings
peace.
Peace.
That’s really
a great thing. Because often, the circumstances don’t really change. The
problems take just as long as ever to work out. But it’s okay. I’m okay. I don’t
have to take care of it all. I don’t have to worry about it all. Jesus is doing
that.
He knows what
I need.
He knows what
I want.
He knows what
is best.
And he is good.
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give
you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be
troubled and do not be afraid.
- John 14:27
