Naked Soul

I miss you.

I don't know exactly who. Because, for so long, I didn't let my heart feel. But now it does.

From the outside, it would look as if the feeling started with a young man. But that's simply due to some very good timing. He came along just as the healing and softening process began to have results. It's truly amazing what can happen when you allow Jesus to work in your life. I'm not saying that you will automatically fall in love or anything. I'm just saying good things happen. This is probably due largely to the fact that you're able to get over yourself enough to recognize the good stuff as good. (Sorry if that sounds insensitive, it's just been my experience).

But along with all this gooey-goodness (sounds like brownies or something) comes pain. I have opened myself up to feel the good again, to allow God to shape me, but that also means I can feel the hurt too.

I can feel the wail building inside my chest. I swallow it, but it tries to leak out my eyes. I still don't quite know why I have this lonely ache, but I think I can start to let people in.

I usually say, "I don't miss people," when asked how it is for me to be away from family or friends. But today, I miss you. Everyone. Every person who has been a part of my story. Maybe that's what heaven is like, having all the time ever to spend with each person, never missing anyone.

They say life is a journey, a story. It is full of seasons or chapters or stages. Or whatever else you want to call it. Right now I'm in what I call, "naked soul." They say this is normal in the "college stage" or whatever. Gee, that's comforting. Here I am, surrounded by old and new and in between, all clamoring to be chosen. As if the thoughts and beliefs were clothing for the soul. I've never much liked clothes anyway.

Don't worry, I'm not becoming a nihilist, I don't think.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that I'm still not exactly sure who I am or what I believe, or what any of this is supposed to look like. But I'm trying to love you. Please don't shut me down as I open up. I'm still figuring this all out.

The End of a Chapter - A Year of Transformation

I should be doing homework right now, but it's such a lovely day and I'm in a reflective mood. Beautiful days always remind me of how grateful I am to be alive. Life is such a beautiful thing, for all the highs and lows. I didn't always think so. But in this past year of life sun has broken through the dark cloud that once hung over me and I can honestly say I am not the same person I was a year ago. God is so good! Praise the Lord for his boundless mercy, steadfast love, and wonderful grace.

There is a milestone I will pass eight days from now. While one year fully marks the end of an old chapter, already the pages cannot be turned back. Depression and self-harm were an unexpected chapter, one I didn't understand and still don't. But, as I was telling a professor of mine the other day, while these things are part of my story, they are not who I am. My story shaped me, sure. But I am not the scars.

Scars are not my identity. Scars are only part of the story. Strength is my identity. Strength to have scars that are a whole year old. Fighting is my identity. Fighting with every last bit of anything I had within me to become whole and healthy. Hope is my identity. Hope is the pinpoint of light that grows brighter the more tightly I grip it. Loved is my identity. Loved by so many no matter how much I ran from and cursed the thought of it.

Sometimes it comes up in conversation. "Oh yeah, I struggled with that... So, uh, yeah..." It gets awkward. Those close to me ask why I would be so open. You may be asking that right now. Here's why: I refuse to let shame win. I spent so long weighed down by the fear that if people knew this about me, they would think I was some sort of psychopath and just pity me from a distance. I refused to get the help I needed, and I know so many people out there have the same problem. Praise God for the people he put in my life to journey out of this with me! I want other people who deal with self-harm and other addictions to be able to come to the same healing I have. And not just through a come-to-Jesus moment. I loved Jesus the whole time! But I got stuck. I don't want anyone else to have to feel that same stuck-ness. Christians can still struggle with things, and that's okay. But what's really great about being part of the family of God, when we do it right, is being able to grow and walk together on this journey toward Jesus.