I used to say, "I know where I'm going to end up, I'm just trying to figure out how to get there."
Oh, the arrogance.
I won't lie, it was a pretty effective strategy all the way through college--bumbling ahead at full-speed, hoping I would eventually end up where I intended to go, not really taking the time or effort to line up all my ducks. I graduated, I got married, I moved to Portland--all accomplishments I intended beforehand to achieve. Unfortunately, I seem to have lost myself a bit along the way.
Lately, I keep hearing myself saying, "I don't know where I'm going to end up, so I'm a bit afraid of the getting there part."
Why am I so afraid? I won't digress into a discussion of the weaknesses of the modern Evangelical American Church (which I will refer to as the EAC, not to be confused with the East Australian Current) here. One thing I will say, though, is that faith as a spiritual practice is often lacking and I think that's a big part of my own problem. Dependence on formulas, business models, and systematized theology leave people without a "need" for faith--if you just do x, you're guaranteed y. (No, I do not have all the citations to back up these claims, it just isn't my main point right now. It is a relevant discussion in the American church at the moment, though and I'm sure Google will yield plenty of information on the subject.)
With a definition from Hebrews 11:1 (one of the go-to passages for such a definition), faith is "to be sure of the things we hope for, to be certain of the things we cannot see" (GNT). I may no longer have a solid idea of "where I'm going to end up," or what I want to do with the rest of my life, or even what the practice of following Jesus is going to look like every step of the way. I do know what I am hoping for, though. Holding to this hope through the practice of faith is what allows me to move less fearfully into the space between where I was and where I will end up--less poetically: through faith, I am less afraid of being present with myself in the journey I am on.
This makes me think of the television show "The Bachelor" (and "The Bachelorette," of course). In that show, many women compete to "fall in love" with one man (or many men with one woman). Of course, it is full of drama and hurt feelings. One thing contestants and leads on the show often say, especially when things get tough (which is basically all the time) is "I trust this process." Now, while the 25 (and 17) seasons of this show have often ended in an engagement, those relationships do not frequently last long after the show ends. To me, this is a very straightforward example of how a system that works on paper (yes, yes, I understand that the real formula is meant to produce dramatic television, not true love, but we're just pretending that hypothetically the process would, in fact, facilitate "true love" when worked out on paper) does not translate well to real, dynamic human relationships. Similarly, the formula for a "true love" relationship with Jesus in the EAC--read the Bible and pray daily, go to church weekly, volunteer and tithe monthly--looks good on paper but doesn't always work out as a lasting, loving relationship when applied to real humans.
Personally, I've decided to stop "trusting the process." Admitting this out loud is frightening for me. I'm afraid of being misunderstood, of people assuming I'm "losing my faith." I worry that I'm moving in the wrong direction, that I need to just try harder. But I've tried as hard as I possibly could and "the process" isn't working. It makes "good TV" or in this case, "good church," to be sure, and there are likely plenty of people for whom "the process" (I'm talking EAC, not Bachelor, here) works. It isn't working for me, though, and I think I'm done trying to convince myself that just one more week of heartache and frustration is going to bring me the fulfilment and loving relationship I'm longing for.
