I miss you.
I don't know exactly who. Because, for so long, I didn't let my heart feel. But now it does.
From the outside, it would look as if the feeling started with a young man. But that's simply due to some very good timing. He came along just as the healing and softening process began to have results. It's truly amazing what can happen when you allow Jesus to work in your life. I'm not saying that you will automatically fall in love or anything. I'm just saying good things happen. This is probably due largely to the fact that you're able to get over yourself enough to recognize the good stuff as good. (Sorry if that sounds insensitive, it's just been my experience).
But along with all this gooey-goodness (sounds like brownies or something) comes pain. I have opened myself up to feel the good again, to allow God to shape me, but that also means I can feel the hurt too.
I can feel the wail building inside my chest. I swallow it, but it tries to leak out my eyes. I still don't quite know why I have this lonely ache, but I think I can start to let people in.
I usually say, "I don't miss people," when asked how it is for me to be away from family or friends. But today, I miss you. Everyone. Every person who has been a part of my story. Maybe that's what heaven is like, having all the time ever to spend with each person, never missing anyone.
They say life is a journey, a story. It is full of seasons or chapters or stages. Or whatever else you want to call it. Right now I'm in what I call, "naked soul." They say this is normal in the "college stage" or whatever. Gee, that's comforting. Here I am, surrounded by old and new and in between, all clamoring to be chosen. As if the thoughts and beliefs were clothing for the soul. I've never much liked clothes anyway.
Don't worry, I'm not becoming a nihilist, I don't think.
I suppose what I'm trying to say is that I'm still not exactly sure who I am or what I believe, or what any of this is supposed to look like. But I'm trying to love you. Please don't shut me down as I open up. I'm still figuring this all out.
