The End of a Chapter - A Year of Transformation

I should be doing homework right now, but it's such a lovely day and I'm in a reflective mood. Beautiful days always remind me of how grateful I am to be alive. Life is such a beautiful thing, for all the highs and lows. I didn't always think so. But in this past year of life sun has broken through the dark cloud that once hung over me and I can honestly say I am not the same person I was a year ago. God is so good! Praise the Lord for his boundless mercy, steadfast love, and wonderful grace.

There is a milestone I will pass eight days from now. While one year fully marks the end of an old chapter, already the pages cannot be turned back. Depression and self-harm were an unexpected chapter, one I didn't understand and still don't. But, as I was telling a professor of mine the other day, while these things are part of my story, they are not who I am. My story shaped me, sure. But I am not the scars.

Scars are not my identity. Scars are only part of the story. Strength is my identity. Strength to have scars that are a whole year old. Fighting is my identity. Fighting with every last bit of anything I had within me to become whole and healthy. Hope is my identity. Hope is the pinpoint of light that grows brighter the more tightly I grip it. Loved is my identity. Loved by so many no matter how much I ran from and cursed the thought of it.

Sometimes it comes up in conversation. "Oh yeah, I struggled with that... So, uh, yeah..." It gets awkward. Those close to me ask why I would be so open. You may be asking that right now. Here's why: I refuse to let shame win. I spent so long weighed down by the fear that if people knew this about me, they would think I was some sort of psychopath and just pity me from a distance. I refused to get the help I needed, and I know so many people out there have the same problem. Praise God for the people he put in my life to journey out of this with me! I want other people who deal with self-harm and other addictions to be able to come to the same healing I have. And not just through a come-to-Jesus moment. I loved Jesus the whole time! But I got stuck. I don't want anyone else to have to feel that same stuck-ness. Christians can still struggle with things, and that's okay. But what's really great about being part of the family of God, when we do it right, is being able to grow and walk together on this journey toward Jesus.