I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant

“Are you pregnant?” The nurse at the urgent care bursts through the door and asks. “No,” I say, but there’s something about the look on her face, “… am I?” “I think so, I’ll be back,” she says. The physician’s assistant already in the room asking questions continues on. I thought I had a UTI, that’s why I’m here. I have a feeling of pressure on my bladder that just won’t go away. It doesn’t feel quite the same as the last UTI I had but it’s similar enough that it’s the only thing I can think the problem is. The PA wraps up her questions, says it will be a bit of a wait before the doctor can see me since he has other patients ahead of me, and leaves the room. I send a text to my best friend: “So I went to urgent care cause I think I have a uti and they said I might be pregnant and then just left me waiting in the room… I’m freaking out. I’ll let you know what they say when they come back 😳” Twenty minutes go by as my mind races with questions. I’m on birth control, how could I be pregnant? Could they have made a mistake? Are they going to come in and tell me it was a mistake? Who is the father? How far along am I?

The PA comes and checks in. “How are you doing?” “Honestly, I’m kind of panicking,” I reply, trying to keep myself from crying. I feel like I’m going to throw up but I don’t tell her that. “Would you like some water?” “Yeah, that would be great, thanks.” She brings the water and leaves again. 

Another ten minutes goes by. I finally hear a knock on the door and the doctor comes in. “Mahalia? I’m Jordan, it’s nice to meet you.” His demeanor is calm, there’s a compassion in his tone that tells me he knows he’s about to give me news I was not at all prepared for. I imagine him going over my chart with the PA before entering the room, “yeah, she’s pregnant but she has no idea and she’s freaking out,” she says to him. 

The doctor goes over the results of the urine test. All clear, no signs of infection. “There is, however, a high level of hCG. That means you are positive for pregnancy. I take it you were not aware you were pregnant?” So it’s confirmed. I’m pregnant. Waves of excitement, fear, and shock wash over me. “Based on the date of your last menstrual period, you’re 22 weeks along. That’s about five months.” No. No way. How did I not know? I mean, sure, I’ve been nauseous for months now. But I’ve been adjusting to new medication and I thought it was a side effect. And yes, I’ve been extremely fatigued, but I have fibromyalgia and when it flares that’s one of the symptoms. I’ve had a flare up of sciatica pain but I’ve had back problems for years. I haven’t had a period in months but I’m on birth control so that’s supposed to happen. My breasts have grown a ton and are always sore but again, I’m on birth control, isn’t that just a side effect? But in the last couple weeks I’ve been feeling gassy and my stomach has looked somewhat bloated… is that really just a baby growing and moving around in my belly? And the pressure on my bladder, that must be from the baby as well. Lined up one after the other the symptoms make sense. It seems ridiculous that I could have not figured it out. But there was a reason for each symptom individually. I had started to suspect a couple days before but I thought it was just the usual panic/excitement I’d felt a hundred times just before getting my period and all the disappointment and relief that came with it. 

The doctor calmly walks through what next steps might be with me, whether that involves getting an abortion or keeping the baby. I tell him I am unsure and he remains neutral, recommending that I get in contact with my OBGYN to start prenatal care or planned parenthood if I want to terminate the pregnancy. I know I’m going to keep the baby. I want this baby. I want to be a mom. But the timing is all wrong. I can’t afford to take care of another human, I’m barely getting by as it is. And the father, sperm donor really, by this time I’ve figured out who it must be, is not a good person - I don’t want him involved in my life. How can I raise a baby all on my own? 

The appointment wraps up and I leave the office. Feeling shocked and numb, I get in the car and call my best friend, “hey, did you get my text?” “No, give me a minute… oh my god!” “Yeah, I’m fucking pregnant. Fucking five months pregnant. What the fuck is going on?” She asks me what I’m going to do and I say I don’t know but I think I’m going to keep it. I tell her I really want this baby but I feel guilty because I’m not set up to be able to take care of it right now. She reassures me and offers what support she can. We’re both shocked and trying to process.  

I get home and call my OBGYN to make an appointment for prenatal care, trying to do something concrete to make things feel real. I call my sister. The conversation helps me process a bit more, brings me that little bit closer to being grounded. But I’m really in shock at this point. Physically shaking, feeling like I’m freezing cold. I text the one friend I have who lives near me, “I just found out I’m five months pregnant, I’m freaking out.” He invites me over to his place and I jump at the chance to not be alone. I bring ice cream because it feels necessary. I’m pregnant and emotional, of course we need ice cream. When I get there he hugs me and my nervous system finally calms down and I stop shaking. We hang out and talk for a while, watch a movie, eat dinner, and he lets me spend the night. I barely sleep. When I wake up in the morning I still can hardly believe it. It just doesn’t seem real. But it is. I’m pregnant.